My New Life Journey!

I can not come to accept that I am in Germany living here , I cant believe that i have really seen and experienced things that I have , all of this just feels like a dream I keep thinking I'm just going to wake up and life is going to be the way it was the last 14 years of my life living in lehi, Utah going to a school with over 900 students hanging out with friends I have known since 1st grade. So much has changed in my life these last four months I don't even know where to start I have had life changing experiences and feelings that I wont ever be able to express.

I moved to Germany june 20th I didn't know anyone I was depressed I felt lost and that this all couldn't have been what god planned for us the time went by so fast that I didn't get to say bye to my friends like i wanted too and to me being a teenager that was a HUGE deal! I was upset at my dad for making me move here I wouldn't talk I just sat in my room with the ralottins down(idk how to spell they are like blinds make the room completely dark) I laid in my bed with this strange feeling my heart was pounding so loud i swear it was going to pop out of my chest, I felt out of place I felt scared , I didn't feel any peace i was shaking alot and crying a lot i didn't know what i was feeling or why but it was all i could think about all day was " why am i feeling this way?" I couldn't eat , I wouldn't eat, I wanted to eat. I just felt too sick to eat this feeling would not go away , everyday I sat in my room in the dark it was hot because no AC and I only got on facebook for two weeks this went on , finally I posted on my facebook that i felt this constant sickness and didn't know why, my dad knew something was wrong but he thought it was cause i was upset with moving but after i posted that he came straight to me and said "I think your having panic attacks" i had no idea what I would be feeling to know if i was having them but when i explained to him how I felt he understood he went through it when he was in iraq and he wanted me to get medicine for it right away ( if you have never had a panic attack it is a serious thing!) So the next day he got me in to see a German doctor who did speak little English , now the German doctors u walk in pay 30$ and go into the office and they ask questions and u leave its nothing like the American one's so it was different and strange i didn't really know what to do ha ha but the doctor was nice he got me my medicine , after taking the medicine i felt better, no i wasn't back to normal I got them still but it helped me start having a personality , I lost 25 pounds those two weeks the school when i signed up thought i was suicidal because i showed no emotion they were worried asking questions I now am weighing 100 pounds! Soon after having my medicine I had girls camp I was nervous i just moved to Germany and we had girls camp we didn't even have a house yet or all our house hold items

So JULY 26Th I went to Bitburg ward Military stake girls camp I really did not want to go again i had such a bad attitude i just didn't want to be here every night in my journal I wrote how this isn't home and i needed to leave .. but at girls camp I had such an amazing time I fit in with the girls so well and we all warmed up to each other so soon the Theme was "BOOT camp" Building Our Own Testimony , and boy did it build mine! The leaders did not force anything on you , if you didn't want to do an activity that was your choice which made you want to so much more! we all had a branch in the military like Marines Navy Army etc and we made skits. We made glass jars with temples on them with candles in them and at testimony meeting we lit them and everyone got up , it's amazing how going from Utah where everyone is lds then coming to a whole new country not knowing anything or anybody how you all have one thing in common and you feel at home its such a blessing you automatically have a family and friendship the testimony meeting was so touching even when i was only with the girls for 4 days there were girls who wanted so badly to be baptised but there parents didn't agree and threatened to kick them out of the family if they joined, there was a girl who her mother was 15 when she had her and put her in a bucket of boiling hot water and left her and she has marks all over her body she was put in foster care the first family beat her and she has her new foster family in Germany but they are not lds , Its hard to think they have it so hard they know the church is true here all my life this is just what i was raised to know never thinking much of it but hearing other stories and peoples experiences makes me feel so blessed! anyways after 4 long long days of girl scamp i came home and one day later I had the chance to go to EFY in London England at this time my sister was coming the day after I left not to mention we picked a house and were moving it while i was at EFY.. Efy well I had friends from the stake that i ment at girls camp going so I wasnt to worried ..

Aug 2ND i was on a 16 hour BUS ride! wow was that a long ride , not to mention my dad put my birthday Mikaylas so it said i was 15 so i was put on the 15 to 16 year old buses instead of 17 year old and lets just say I can not believe the maturity level difference ha ha i was going crazy , so glad my ipod lasted half the way I got to London and all these people boys and girls in blue t-shirts were happy loud and clapping and singing , think about it a 16 hour bus ride its 9:00am we "slept" on a bus so I was not in the mood for happy loud cheering people lol we got checked in to our rooms , thinking i was going to be with people in my ward that i knew and sharing a room i was excited , as we found out we got our own dorm room tiny and sorta ghetto all the girls got dorms with bathrooms in them So i was excited .. then i found out me out of all the groups we got put in from all the other kids too I got the guys dorms where we had to share a bathroom in the hall way and TWO showers with 14 girls! But I said whatever and let it go .. I had a hard time I didn't see anyone i knew once! and i started getting a little panic attack as the day went on so i had to talk to the medical people finally they moved Ashton fair a girl in my ward to my group , It helped me so much i only needed my medicine the first two nights , lets just say we had great amazing spiritual moments and so many fun memories I loved the group i was put it they guys and the girls we bonded so fast and we all cried when we left each other , my new British friends are so amazing! I hope to see them again someday , it was another great experience thinking a whole new group of people having same standards as me speaking English but words we say meant something so different to them for example the word Pants that means "Underwear" and Pants are called "trousers" IF someone was "FIT" that meant "HOT" a Biscuit is a Cookie with chocolate over it so on we had alot of fun with that and good jokes. I had two really great spiritual weeks and My testimony that sometimes i felt i was loosing was stronger and not just because of what people said but because i felt something totally different. There was one night I wrote in my journal and I felt like i needed to pray just kneel down and pray and I ignored it for a little while but out of no where i started crying so hard and i just fell completely to the ground with my head leaning on the bed , and i said a prayer i never in my life felt the way i did then and i couldn't even explain to you how i felt but i felt something.

Aug 7Th I left London and had to say bye to amazing friends that changed my life & taught me so much! Another 16 hour bus drive back home , again i was with the younger group and not to mention had a "stalker " a kind boy who just was a little in love with me and he was on that bus he sat and watched me as i slept and didn't leave i felt awkward and sorta annoyed trying to be as nice as possible to him it was the longest bus ride in my life but so pretty. we arrived home at 3am Sunday morning And i came home to my new house with my room set up with a bed a dresser and a "closet" thing and my beautiful sister Trisha and mom asleep in my bed lol I was so excited to see her 2 months felt like such a long time i felt like i didn't know who she was . i hugged her and we talked about Efy until 6am we both fell asleep we did not go to church since we were so tired but we spent the day relaxing as a family.

Aug 22 My dad mom, mikayla and Trisha and myself went to Amsterdam at 9:00am we drove 4 hours there it was crazy! people all over and Bikes covered the street they had parking garages for Bikes! Everyone Drove crazy and it was scary, there it is okay to smoke weed at any age so people were smoking right there everywhere it was uncomfortable we went into the Anne Frank house , if you dint know what that is research it , it was awesome i loved it more then i thought i would it was another awesome experience, we looked around and fed pigeons they ate right out of my hand it was cool . they had no public bathrooms for women only little hole in the ground with a medal thing for the guys, you also had to pay to use the bathroom in a restaurant , it was interesting and different but so so cool! we headed home at about 9pm not to mention we lost our car and we looked for it for about 1 hour then finally found it .

I became best friends with our bishops daughter Abby Stewart at first I wasn't sure if we were going to get along well or what to expect since I have always been friends with guys very few girls,but we became Best friends , we have so much in common it was kinda scary , there isn't much to do in Germany but we get my long board(a longer skateboard) she sits down and i stand and push her and we ride it all over we look funny but we don't care its a good workout, we started trying to cook and make random things we made chicken terriaky with out a recipe it was amazing! We spend alot of time together we have the same standards , she has been such a great friend to me her family and mine feel like this move has been a blessing Abby needed me & i needed her to be friends and example to each other.

Aug 30Th - First day of school , You know that butterfly in stomach nervous feeling you usually get the first day of school? This time i didn't have that feeling , i wasn't scared I wasn't nervous In fact i didn't even feel like the "new girl" I wasnt excited at all but the first day a new school as a senior coming from a school with over 900 students to a school with a total of 247 students wow was it different, I sorta don't feel like i fit in only person I feel like i can hang out with is Abby. There was no one was shoving in the hall ways and instead of 30 people in a class there was at the most 13 that was considered alot, the school is much smaller and yet I still got lost. It wasnt a bad first day but I didn't meet anyone new not one single person it was just me and the "Mormons" Its weird being labeled as the Mormon group considering that Utah it was normal but here everyone doesn't know what lds is or anything about it. but Now school has gotten better i have met a few more people i mean how many can u meet soon you will know the whole school .. our friends that are not Lds ask about it and if we say something like "we are going to party" they say "I didn't know Mormons partied" ha ha or if they swear they quickly apologise its sorta becomes a joke and its funny , back in Utah Mormons swore and did all the things we are asked not to do so coming here people recognize our standards and they are okay with it and its nice things are so different then Utah, just simple little things .. its nicer.

Sometime after that not sure the date We went to Paris , the amazing part is we woke up early Sunday and drove a little over 4 hours to Paris we went to the Efile tower of course and spent the whole day right there on the tower , we climbed up the stairs it was hard but so cool to say " I climbed up the Efile Tower" we only went to the second floor it was so crowded and we had to hurry and get Trisha's Bridles done. I took her pictures for her They turned out really good I have to admit i was a little proud of myself . We then had to head home another 4 hour drive home and school was the next day. The drivers in Paris were crazy! worse then Amsterdam people didn't drive in the lines they were all over the place and they didn't stop for anyone they rather hit you , crazy people! But it is so amazing to say that we drove there in one day like it was going to Las Vegas or something . Since we didn't have much time just wanted to get the bridles done we are going to go back for a weekend :)

Now today is Sept 24Th, I just have been going to school and coming home , keeping up on homework and keeping my room clean I have slowly been gaining my weight back I'm now 106 pounds, my dad said he finally has his daughter back which is sad in a way but glad I'm back, It all still feels like a dream to me its hard to explain the feeling its already been almost four months only 8 more and ill be graduated! I feel like soon i should be going "home" to Lehi , but I'm slowly accepting that this is my "home" now , when we first moved here i kept telling my dad this isn't home and it wont ever be but I realised this is home now. I miss my sisters my brother and Nieces & nephew every single day its so hard not being close to them, but soon I will be. It's nice to know that through everything all my emotions and trails and where ever i am in the world I won't ever be alone, Even when i feel like i am. I know I had such a negative attitude about moving here I mean it is my senior year I knew nothing at all about this place. But i have now met great new friends & had such good experiences already and i know who my true friends are and came closer to others that I wasn't close too. It's hard going from your everyday same thing life to a whole new country senior year of high school , It was like we just packed up and left with out any goodbyes . I just can't be alone I start thinking too much and it makes things harder I think I'm happy with things now i have accepted that this is my life now until college and I have so many more places to see and experience that no one ever gets to experience, I know this change in my life was what I needed and at this time. Everything is slowly falling into place, college will be here so soon then will I be ready to leave? I'm so glad i have my journal to write in so I can remember all these great things I've seen and the many more I get to see ..